Dental Clinic in Singapore

One additional feature of the Zoom! Laser light unit is built-in with an infrared filter that helps lessen the intensity of light coming in contact with the teeth during the treatment. However, Zoom! bleaching light can illuminate the lower and upper set of teeth simultaneously while the solution is being applied on the teeth's surface.

The following summarizes some important characteristics of this professional whitening system.

1. The complete treatment normally takes about an hour and 30 minutes.
2. Each bleaching session, which lasts for 20 minutes, is divided into three separate applications of the Zoom! teeth whitener.
3. In other words, the contact of a patient's teeth to the bleaching gel is one hour.
4. After the treatment, instructions on how to use additional whitening item and/or tray-based teeth bleaching items are given to patients so they can extend the whitening process even outside the dental clinic.

Now here comes the important question, "Should you opt for the Zoom! Chairside Whitening System?"

Of course a great dental clinic in Singapore would be able to accomplish all this!

This is a resolution that needs to be discussed between you and the dentist who will perform the whitening treatment. The necessary information was already shed to you in this article. Generally speaking, many dentists trust this product as this is, according to many of them, an excellent product among other competitors. Besides, this product is created by a company that seems to have the sincerest intentions of producing a credible product since dentists should maintain their good reputations. Whatever outcomes happen to a patient after using the Zoom! Teeth whitening system, it should be as excellent as with any other high-end professional teeth bleaching systems.

My Crazy English Relatives

I’d like to introduce you to a nice little family I know. They live partly within me so they don’t really exist in this dimension, but they are as real to me as Superman is to Superman fans. Or Spiderman to Spiderman fans. Or perhaps Hermione Granger is to raging hormonal teenage Potter fan boys. Whichever works for you. Anyhow, here's a sample of this family's a day and a life.



Mr Oxy Moron: Gee, this room is largely compact, I can hardly walk...

Mrs Redundancy: Dear, you’re already walking.

Mr Oxy Moron: Yes dear, but I’m in a rather cramped space right now.

Grandma Longwinded: You know, you could just lose some of those unnecessary fats you have on your thighs and arms. If I’ve told you once I’ve told you twice, you’ve got to learn to watch your weight! You’re not getting any younger and everything you eat has a consequence. Now don’t come crying to ma when you get Osteoporosis or Diabetes. I’ll just say-

Old Man Repetition: Yeah! Don’t come crying to ma when you get Osteoporosis or Diabetes! And really! Don’t come crying to ma when you get Osteoporosis or Diabetes! Hmph! Don’t come crying to ma when you get Osteoporosis or Diabetes!

Uncle Irony: Dad? Dad? Dad! I think you’re repeating yourself...

Aunty Euphemism: Honey... don’t be mean... he’s not really repeating himself.. he’s merely putting emphasis on important things.

Mrs Redundancy: We can’t cry when we get Osteoporosis or Diabetes?

Mr Oxy Moron: Hold on a sec though, what so bad about Osteoporosis anyway? Isn’t it a natural disease? Why should I care?

Mrs Redundancy: Dear... don’t say that... diseases are still diseases.

Dr Definition: My dear friend, Osteoporosis is a state by which there is serious thinning of the bones and reduction in bone mass due to depletion of calcium and bone protein.

Cousin Contradiction: Anyway Osteoporosis ain’t a disease man, even though it probably is... Meh..

Baby Babble: BB! BB! DD! FAA! WAAAAAAAAAAAHH! WAAAAAHH!

Aunty Euphemism: Aw look how cute! The baby’s making an increased volume of reverberations!

Uncle Irony: Why must you be so wordy about it? The baby’s simply making loud noises using his throat as an attempt to gain attention... Sheesh. Cut down on the vocabulary already.

Grandpa Synonym: Uncle Irony! Why are you so mean to your wife? Spouse? Marital Partner? Go apologise! Say sorry! Now! Immediately!

Aunty Euphemism: Aw it’s alright Grandpa, he’s not mean... simply verbally rough round the edges... right dear?

Uncle Irony: I refuse to answer that question even though I don’t know it’s Rhetoric.

Mr Oxy Moron: Ah Well! At least we’re one big happy family! Let’s not disturb peace shall we?

Dr Definition: Ah good old peace... simply the absence of war or other hostilities...

Grandma Longwinded: You know in my time there was no such thing as peace! Pah! Peace was but a dream sought after centuries of bloody warfare! You youngsters take it for granted nowadays not caring at all for the lives lost and lady liberty was bought with the blood of revolutionists. Don’t you forget your-

Baby Babble: BABABAAAAAA WAAAHH NANANANANA! TREG! DDAAAOOKK! NOOOPE! WAAAAARGGH! WAAAAHHH!

Mrs Redundancy: Look he’s crying and making silly noises again!

Cousin Contradiction: Baby Babble seems to be rather tame today is he not?

Old Man Repetition: Heeheehee! Heeheehee! Baby’s crying! Heeheehee! Baby’s crying! Heeheehee! Baby-

Mr Oxy Moron: Yes Dad! We get it! The big baby’s crying his lungs out...

Grandpa Synonym: Hmph! Is that the proper, suitable, apt way to speak, converse, talk to your elders!? Show more respect and reverence boy!

Grandma Longwinded: Yes! It’s about time you youngsters learn a thing or two about respect! Why when I was your age we were forced to do things and maintain an image among our elders! Children were meant to be seen and not heard! I say we should bring those times back, I really miss the good old days of simple respect based on a hierarchy of age. Count yourself lucky that there isn’t-

Professor Plot: You know what people? Frankly, I’m getting bored of this storyline! Let’s introduce a little mayhem to the lives of this peaceful family. I mean they keep yammering about useless boring things like Osteoporosis and making snide remarks about the baby crying. For goodness sake this scene needs some work... Let’s see... Ah I know!

(Suddenly Sun Wu Kong the Legendary Monkey God appears in their midst!)

Sun Wu Kong: Greetings Mortals! I am Sun Wu Kong the Legendary Monkey God!

Mrs Redundancy: AAAAHHH! It’s Sun Wu Kong the Legendary Monkey God!

Mr Oxy Moron: A Monkey God?

Sun Wu Kong: Yes! I AM A MONKEY GOD! Worship me before I beat your filthy asses into submission with my lovely Golden Cudgel here.

Grandpa Synonym: Cudgel? Nobody uses the word “Cudgel” nowadays! HAHAHA. You mean that stick, staff, pole, truncheon of yours?

Dr Definition: Technically a cudgel is a huge stick or club varying in length that is used as a weapon. So it’s pretty much the same thing Grandpa.

Uncle Irony: Yes he knows Dr Definition! He was just staying in character!

Sun Wu Kong: You puny people are starting to piss me off! Bow now before me or taste my Golden lead!

Aunty Euphemism: Bow? You mean to bend our torso as a sign of respect?

Cousin Contradiction: Of course! Is there any other way of bowing? Oh wait there is I think... Is there?

Grandma Longwinded: NO YOU IDIOT! But I refuse to bow before such a violent hairy being that appears out of nowhere just to make this stupid scene interesting! I refuse to worship a lame deus ex machina! I refuse to listen to anymore of his monkey crap! I suggest all of you get together and-

*Sun Wu Kong uses Golden Cudgel and violently whacks Grandma Longwinded across her back.*

*WHISH WHACK CRRAAACCCKK!!*

*Grandma Longwinded lies dead on the floor.*

Sun Wu Kong: NOW ARE THERE ANYMORE WISE COMMENTS?!?!

Mr Oxy Moron: Bad Heavens No!

Baby Babble: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHA HEEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

- The State of Nonsense -

Are you a Moron?

You know, as time passes me by and I look at the World around me I have come to realise something. I realised that people are more moronic than they think they are. Seriously, when you are surrounded by huge loads of bullshit everyday sometimes you just got to run and hide somewhere to regenerate. There is no peace anymore. People are doomed I tell you. We are all doomed. If God wasn’t in control, I assure you we would’ve destroyed ourselves a thousand times over a long time ago.

Well, I bet you’re reading this and going “He’s not talking about me.” or “He’s talking about that other guy.” To solve this, I have personally come up with a nice short quiz titled “Are you a Moron?” Not so sure that you’re a moron? No fear, just take this quiz and you’ll find out in a few minutes.

For each statement below that you find true for yourself, score 1 point. At the end of the quiz, there will be a scoring system and you'll be graded accordingly. So good luck!


1) You take more than 3 seconds to remember how to write your name.
2) You have a pet fish and you name it Lassie.
3) You asked your friend to give you a miss call and you answered it.
4) You have sent emails/smses/letters to yourself before.
5) You took the train in the wrong direction and took more than three stops to realise it.
6) Your name is “Hubert” or “Bernie”.
7) Your email starts with “summer”, “cool” or “super”.
8) You have failed the subject “Health Education” before.
9) You think Noah’s wife was called Joan of Arc.
10) You have laughed out loud while watching the News.
11) You like High School Musical.
12) You drove to Johor Bahru and called it an “Overseas Trip”.
13) You are a Bus Driver that refuses to let people enter because they paid 85 cents instead of 90 cents.
14) You have either “Jonas Brothers”, “Miley Cyrus” or “Limp Bizkit” on your iPod.
15) You think Microsoft Windows is a good Operating Software.
16) You think going to a Temple, Synagogue, Church or Mosque is “the same thing”.
17) You pay with a cheque at the NTUC.
18) You think McDonalds actually serve food.
19) You paid 9 bucks to watch “Disaster Movie”, “Epic Movie” or “Meet the Spartans”.
20) You get married in Maple Story.
21) You find watching commercials entertaining.
22) You wear glasses when your eyesight is fine.
23) You used to watch Teletubbies.
24) You regularly use an overly emotional MSN Nick.
25) You think the number of friends you have on Facebook is directly proportionate to the number of friends you have in real life.
26) You buy “The New Paper” for real news.
27) You think Techno Music is Music.
28) You think Coca Cola is a “great drink”.
29) You own a Nokia N-Gage.
30) You think that playing Sports will get you somewhere in life.
31) You wear skinny jeans.
32) You think Valentine’s Day is a meaningful occasion.
33) You think Crocs are real shoes.
34) You think Clubbing friends are real friends.
35) You type complex life questions in Google hoping to get them answered.
36) You use more abbreviations than real words in MSN conversations.
37) You are emotionally affected by “Celebrity News”.
38) You thought Bush was a good President.
39) You believe in Conspiracy Theories.
40) You got jailed for stealing a Snickers Bar.
41) You combine both English and Chinese when you speak.
42) You take photos of inanimate objects.
43) You are emotionally or psychologically affected if some random soccer club beats another equally random soccer club in some idiot football league.
44) You establish your sense of self worth by going to Clubs.
45) You are a teacher that gives Holiday Homework like any student really gives a shit.
46) You took a shit in a public toilet before checking if there was toilet paper.
47) You think writing in twit language is “cute”. E.g. “dUncH fWeN eUu lErx!! hMpHxZ!!~!”
48) You parked in a Red Lot before realising it was a Red Lot.
49) You think cheerleading is a real Sport.
50) You smoke and/or do drugs on a regular basis.
51) You refute Christianity with “The Da Vinci Code”.
52) You label yourself as a “Conservative” or “Liberal” when you know nobody gives a shit.
53) You think that International Chess and Chinese Chess are “the same thing”.
54) You don’t know the difference between a homosexual and a homosapien.
55) You think arbitrary online personality quizzes define you.
56) You think the Merlion is a practical, relevant and realistic symbol for Singapore.
57) You make life decisions based on Horoscopes, Palm readings or some other Psychic bullshit.
58) You think the Martial Arts are a useful skill to learn in lieu of the 21st Century.
59) You think Intellectual Property Theft is the same as real Theft.
60) You took this quiz seriously.


The Moron Scoring System

0 pts - Congratulations! You may not be a moron. This isn't a universally standardised list you idiot.

1 to 10 pts - You are a Minor moron. You have got some hope, perhaps you made a few mistakes here and there but nothing major or definitive. All you have to do is watch out from now on and make sure you don't put your head up someone's ass again.

11 to 20 pts - You are a Below Average moron. Danger is looming for you and if you don't get out soon you'll suffer the consequences. You exhibit several tell tale signs of being a moron but you also have some sanity left. Cling to it and don't let go, it may be all you have left to save you.

21 to 30 pts - You are a Standard Moron. No ifs and buts about it. You know it yourself and you might be wondering how you got to this state and how to escape. There may be some hope left but don't count on it. Perhaps if you considered surrendering yourself to the Police, but I doubt it since you're probably too much of a moron to read this far, so screw you.

31 to 40 pts - You are a Total Moron. You disgust me. Get away from society before you infect the rest of us. You probably have problems speaking coherently, write in twit and love High School Musical. My advice? There is no hope but to flee, flee, flee.

41 to 50 pts - You are a Moron of Epic Proportions. Wow, honestly I didn't think anyone would get this far. You are such a moron that other morons would call you a moron. You live in some moronic oblivion that normal people can't even fathom. I only hope that you don't bring others down with you.

51 to 60 pts - You are THE ULTIMATE MORON. Your moronic behaviour has no parallel. You are the Alpha Moron, the very bottom of the food chain. You are an almost mythical being that other morons talk about in moron campfires, whispering to each other about your moronic exploits. This is the ultimate end of human sanity as it is.

So there it is. Are you a Moron? Probably.

- The State of Nonsense -

Confessions of a Karang Guni Man

You know, I’m getting rather sick and tired of all these “Confessions of...” shows and books. Honestly, it’s getting on my nerves. The newest one in the list is that stupid show “Confessions of a Shopaholic”. I mean seriously... Who cares? That irritating Isla Fisher really pisses me off. And then there was this one by that stupid Lindsay Lohan “Confessions of a Teenage Drama Shit Queen” or something. I was dumb enough to actually watch it and really it should just be called “Confessions of a lameass wannabe moron who needs to learn how to stop whining and give me back my ten bucks for the movie”.

I mean what’s there to confess? You only confess something when it’s wrong or should I say, ethically questionable. These people in the movies or books usually did nothing wrong per se and they basically end up lumping their entire life story as a so called “Confession”. Utter bull I tell you. Read my lips, there’s a friggin world of a difference between an AUTOBIOGRAPHY and a CONFESSION. As far as I’m concerned, the only place confessions should be done is in a Church. And that’s only if you’re Catholic. For the rest of us, it’s called “I’m sorry for please don’t bring me to court because I have two children, a whiny wife, an old sick mother and whatnot to take care of so how about I give you 57 dollars and we call this a day.”

So since this whole “Confessions of...” idea is for some reason becoming rather popular, I have cynically decided to jump on the bandwagon. And who to feature but someone who actually uses a wagon for a living: the ever lovely Karang Guni Man. As so, I’ve taken the liberty to do some research on a particular Karang Guni Man called “Mr Fok Heng Kok”. And by research I mean tracking him to one corner and threatening to throw away all my newspapers if he doesn’t tell me his vital statistics. So here is some random vital information about good old Mr Heng Kok the Karang Guni Man.

Name: Mr. Fok Heng Kok
D.O.B: 3rd March 1957
Age: 52
Occupation: Professional Karang Guni Man
R. Status: Married
IC Number: S5749531D
Address: 64 Punggol Street Blk 77 #04-31 Singapore (139004)

House No: 68846630
Office No: Nil
HP No: 98663021
NOK No: 88074365
PSLE Table No: 32887
“O” Level Seat No: 29
Ngee Ann Poly Student No: 10034669
NS BMT 4D No: 4209
NS BSLC 4D No: 3305
NS Unit 4D No: 1307

Bank Account No: *** ***** **
Credit Card No: **** ******* **** **** ***

House Computer Username: Hengkok
House Computer Password: iloverubbish11

eBay Username: Hengkoksell
eBay Password: ireallyloverubbish11

Karanguniforums Username: iamhengkok64
Karanguniforums Password: istillloverubbish11

Email: hengkokrocks@hotmail.com
Email Password: iheartrubbish11



The Confessions

Now of course getting a Karang Guni Man to admit to his many sins and wrongdoings was no easy task because who in the world would just throw out all their skeletons in the closet with no incentive right? So in light of this, I took the time to hire a very effective interrogator and I must say he was well worth the money. Introducing... The Grim Reaper himself and Mr Fok Heng Kok.


The Grim Reaper: Death... Mr Fok Heng Kok... I am hereby here to extract a confession from you... for your many sins... Death... So... out with it... what are your greatest sins... a confession... is needed for penance... Death...

Mr Heng Kok: Confesshon ar? Si mi Confesshon? I dunno thing lah! I come here just want collect ji po jia, wu sar kor, ladio, tin si ki only. Where got care what confesshon?

The Grim Reaper: Do not test my patience mortal... What are your greatest wrongs... out with it now... before I-

Mr Heng Kok: Wrongs harh? Orh! So you are like CID larh? Wears the normal clothe then come talk and scold people to catch lah. Tio boh?

The Grim Reaper: Death... Death... Death... to you... you moron...

Mr Heng Kok: Aiyah! K lah k lah... I make quick one lah I later have go KTV lounge with Beng Kok and Seto so faster finish faster zhao. What you want?

The Grim Reaper: Death... I just said... what are your greatest wrongs... confess it all... and you just might be spared... a gruesome... death...

Mr Heng Kok: Wrongs harh... Aiyah! That time ar at the Lorong 34 toilet horh I shit many many and big piece leh! But horh! I forgot to flush leh! HAHA! Na beh lah the shit damn big can forget flush sia. Damn stoopid man me.

The Grim Reaper: Forgetting to flush... is indeed... a grievous sin... you... need much... help... Death...

Mr Heng Kok: Then hor... that time right... I went Choa Chu Kang Street 17 right and then hor I go there to collect jip oh jia, wu sar kor, ladio and tin si ki lah. But then hor, I whole morning never go toilet pee ar. So hor in the Choa Chu Kang block 66 right got this damn shit person wan. Her name hor is called Chee Bee Leng and she is this damn fat ah soh! She damn irritating lah! Everytime also her newspaper machiam like shit liddat then always ask for more money. Na beh lah. So that time right, I buay song her so I in the morning right went to pee at her door. HAHA. Damn funny sia.

The Grim Reaper: Excreting of bio waste in public with malicious intent... evil of gigantic proportions...

Mr Heng Kok: Also hor, there’s this time right, at Bukit Gombak block 236 or something lah. Then right I went to this house and the maid hor damn blur sia! She give me the newspaper I weigh hor actually right is suppose to be 5 dollar and 49 cents leh. But hor I tell her is 5 dollar and 62 cents! And nab eh, she acherly believe me leh! HAHA. So I get extra 13 cents lor! Damn happy lah. In the end I go use this 13 cents to go Lorong the toilet and shit again.

The Grim Reaper: Intentional cheating of foreign hire... your fate is doomed mortal...

Mr Heng Kok: But right all this thing neh mind one lah. The worst thing right is that time hor I went to Clementi there the sunset way hor and I anyhow press the horn leh! HAHAHA. The best thing right is I never bring my trolley and weighing thing leh! I just go there want to anyhow press horn so people pek chek and get ready newspaper but then hor no karang guni man come! HAHA. I just anyhow keep pressing horn for 45 minute leh! HAHAHA. But hor people damn pek chek lah then complain to town council and to MP and I kenna ban from Clementi lor. Damn shit lah. Na Beh.

The Grim Reaper: Malicious intent of the highest degree... you deserve the cruellest of all punishments... You... will... take away all my newspapers... no karang guni man has visited me... since 1289... What say you?

Mr Heng Kok: Na beh lah! Liddat is what? 800 years of newspaper ar? CB lah! I whole life also cannot sell finish lah. KNN CCB!


And so, Mr Fok Heng Kok took all of The Grim Reaper’s 800 years worth of newspapers and slowly sold them to recycling companies in batches. In the end, he did manage to sell it all off after 28 years and with the money earned, Mr Fok Heng Kok enjoyed a nice albeit exceeding late retirement.



- The State of Nonsense -

King Solomon & Britney Spears

What do King Solomon and Britney Spears have in common? You might think this is an utterly insane question to ask, not to mention irrelevant. But, my friend, I beg to differ. There is indeed a fundamental similarity shared between these two characters. Crazy as it sounds, it’s definitely there. Can you see it?

You’re probably going: “Dude, one’s an ancient Jewish king blessed with extraordinary wisdom and the other’s a modern pop culture icon recently known for a failed marriage with some random rapper wannabe. How the heck could they have anything in common?”

I understand your confusion, but I still beg to differ. Why? Here’s why.

Basically, I was up at 2 am searching for the song “Lucky by Jason Mraz and Colbie Cailat” when instead I stumbled on an ancient song by Britney Spears going by the same title. For those who hate Britney Spears or those who’ve been living with your head under an ass all these years here are the lyrics to the song “Lucky” by Spears.


Lucky by Britney Spears

This is a story about a girl named Lucky…
Early morning, she wakes up
Knock, knock, knock on the door
It's time for makeup, perfect smile
It's you they're all waiting for
They go…"Isn't she lovely, this Hollywood girl?

"And they say…

[CHORUS:]
She's so lucky, she's a star
But she cry, cry, cries in her lonely heart, thinking
If there's nothing missing in my life
Then why do these tears come at night

Lost in an image, in a dream
But there's no one there to wake her up
And the world is spinning, and she keeps on winning
But tell me what happens when it stops?

They go…"Isn't she lovely, this Hollywood girl?"

"Best actress, and the winner is…Lucky!"
"I'm Roger Johnson for Pop News standing outside the arena waiting for Lucky"
"Oh my god…here she comes!"

Isn't she lucky, this Hollywood girl?
She is so lucky, but why does she cry?
If there's nothing missing in her life
Why do tears come at night?


Now as you can see the chorus of this song struck a chord in my heart. It made me think, here is a person who has everything, literally everything one could ever want in life and yet, she cries at night. Now most of us at some point in our lives would’ve probably shed a tear or two over a lost loved one or a lost hand phone or something. But this was something more, there was no specific reason as to why she should cry and yet, she does so every night. You can almost sense the despair in her voice... Why? Why do these tears come at night?

If a superstar still finds it difficult to lock up her tear ducts and force a smile then what hope do us, mere mortals, have then? Are we doomed to a never ending spiral of progress and regress? And of course this leads me back to my original comparison of Britney Spears and King Solomon. I’m pretty sure you can see where this leads.

King Solomon, another spectacular chap in the super ancient World was probably the modern equivalent of Warren Buffet and Nelson Mandela. For the biblically ignorant, King Solomon was an ancient King of Israel who was blessed with supernatural wisdom and with that he led the nation in a Golden age of prosperity and progress. He was insanely rich, unimaginably wise and pretty much had everything one could ever want and more in a life. Of course he kind of cheated in the first place because his extraordinary wisdom came from a wish God himself gave to him.

It’s in times like these you just go “Hey Jesus, that ain’t fair man, where’s my wish? I want a new stapler man. I wish for a new stapler because my exams are coming soon and I can’t live with loose sheets of paper.”

So what exactly does King Solomon and Britney Spears have in common? Well, they both had everything and yet they felt emptiness and a sense of meaninglessness deep inside. It is this feeling that makes them parallels in existence. Both had everything anyone could ever want. Both had the ability to lead millions. Both had the superstar status of their time. Both held the extreme admiration of not just their fellow countrymen but by international humanity. And yet, both felt the pointlessness of it all. If there is NOTHING missing in my life, then WHY do these TEARS come at night?

King Solomon highlighted his sense of meaninglessness ever so poignantly in the Bible right in the book of Ecclesiastes. Below are some highlighted verses which showcase his so called pointless existence. Take note this is from one of the wealthiest and wisest men of ancient history.


Everything is Meaningless by King Solomon

Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless."

What does man gain from all his labour at which he toils under the sun?
All things are wearisome, more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing.

What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again.
There is nothing new under the sun.

What a heavy burden God has laid on men!

I have seen all the things that are done under the sun,
all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.


So we have two different people with two separate ways of expression, poetry and song, but both with the same fundamental message of futility. The myth of Sisyphus comes to mind when you view this in its whole context. Sisyphus was a mythical being who was condemned by the gods to constantly roll a stone up a hill for eternity. He would roll a huge stone up a hill and then the stone would roll down again and he would roll the same stone up again the same way over and over again forever and ever. Can you imagine the torture? The whole dullness of it all, the routine and repetition grinds away at your sanity and slowly consumes your very will to exist.

That, my friend, is in essence what King Solomon, Britney Spears and everyone who ever existed has in common. It is in all of us. Like a splinter in our souls and an aching in our hearts. This is the very reason all of us has asked at least once in our lives “What’s the meaning of life?” or “Why am I here?” It doesn’t matter who you are, where you’re from or what timeline you were born in, you will inevitably have pondered this and no matter what your answer to that question is, it will always be there.

If superstars and ancient kings can share the same philosophical burden as the common peasant or taxi driver then my friend, we are all in this together. Humanity has always found solutions for the Problem of Pain. Pain is easy. It’s a sensation to be avoided and only to be utilised when necessary for progress. Given a choice, most of us would avoid pain. Pain has been conquered many times and although there are certain heavy issues regarding to pain, it has never been quite as important to me as the other problem. And that is, the Problem of Pleasure.

Huh? What Problem of Pleasure? How could pleasure possibly be a problem? I assure you it is the very reason why pleasure exists that we ask the question why we exist. You see, after pain there is relief and relief is a motivation, it is a reason to live. Pain is temporary and no matter how bad things get, you can always see the end, whether be it philosophically, physically, emotionally or existentially. It is this end that motivates you to endure, to go on. Pleasure however, will never have a way out. The end of pleasure is the end of the meaning of most of our existences. Why do I say this?

Have you ever felt that after doing a certain thing it would deliver the ultimate in pleasure and yet after you have just done it, it has let you down? Pleasure is subconsciously the goal of most of us; we find our way to it in many ways, be it through pain or progress. But when we finally get there we find ourselves unfulfilled and no different from where we started and the worst thing is, there is nowhere else you can go. The end of pleasure is a terrible place to be as that is the place of utter meaninglessness, where all your hopes and dreams have come true and YET you are STILL left with NOTHING.

A story was told of a young Olympic sprinter who has trained his whole life to get that Gold medal. His dream was achieving that Gold no matter what and he put his 110% in getting there. And finally after ages of tough and gruelling training, it was his turn to hit the Olympic track. And on that fateful day, a friend asked him what he feared most and he replied with this:

“Today is the day I prove the reason of my existence and yet I’m afraid. Not of losing, injury or failure. I’m not even afraid of my opponents. What I’m most afraid of is knowing that I have put in my all, getting that Gold, having all my dreams come true and yet still not knowing why I am here.”

So what do Ancient Kings, Pop culture icons, Investors, The Hong Kong Triads, Dictators, Accountants, Fishermen, Porn stars, Hackers, Presidents, Cheerleaders, Children, Sinsehs, Rapists, Geniuses, Beggars, Pharoahs, The Mafia, Communists, Indians, Scientologists, NTUC Cashiers, The entire Microsoft Corporation, Bangladeshi Workers, Sailors, Lottery Winners, Ghurkhas, Ministers, Eskimos, Generals, Gangsters, Buddhist Monks, Olympic Sprinters, Scientists, The CIA, Pilots, Scribes and all the Terracotta Warriors have in common?

We all cry at night.



- The State of Nonsense -

My Journey to Nowhere

Many of you who see this new post here will probably be thinking “Ah, good, that lazy ass bugger finally decided to update”. And that’s true except for the fact that I’m not a lazy ass bugger. You might be thinking, “Where the heck has Paul been all this while?” I know, I know, tuning to a perpetual dead blog is no fun, it’s like going to the 7 11 every day for a Slurpee and somehow they’re always out of stock or when they do have stock it’s always some crappy flavour like mango or something. Who the hell drinks mango Slurpee anyway? So yes, I do understand, somewhat.

But, you see, most people confuse understanding with caring. Someone may understand a situation but may not give two hoots about it. Vice versa, one may totally misunderstand what’s actually happening but give a World of care. So although I do understand your depressing plight of endless dead blog reading, I simply do not care. Ok, now we’ve got that straightened out, let’s move on.

The essential question is where I’ve been all this while. Well, boy do I have a story to tell you. You see, it all started with a simple toenail examination. I went down as usual to the toenail clinic and requested for a regular check up. Now, this is almost boring because it’s routine and honestly I dislike routine, so to cut a long story short, basically what happened was that stupid toenail doctor wasn’t in. Mind you, I waited for 43 minutes and 12 seconds before the moronic toenail nurse realised the doctor wasn’t in. How inefficient is that? That was rhetoric, so no wisecracks please thank you.

They say time is money and in this instance I whole heartedly agree because this means the stupid toenail clinic just robbed me of 43 minutes and 12 seconds of my time. And since time is money, they’ve just robbed me of my cash too! Was I going to take that lying down!? Heck No! So what did I do? I did what every sensible person would have done. I called the Board of Currency Exchange or BCE to find out what was the exchange rate for minutes and seconds to dollars and cents. The phone call went something like this:

Me: Hello. Is this the BCE?

BCE Rep: Yes sir, this is the BCE, how can I help?

Me: Well, you can start by telling me what the exchange rate from time to cash is.

BCE Rep: I’m sorry sir... What did you say again?

Me: I said can you please tell me what the exchange rate is for minutes and seconds to dollars and cents.

(Momentary Silence lasting for about 5 seconds)

BCE Rep: ...Erm I’m sorry sir, but I’ve got no idea what you want from me...

Me: You’re an idiot.

BCE Rep: Please sir, understand that what you ask is not in our system. There’s no such thing as a literal monetary value attached to time.

Me: Maybe. But you’re still an idiot.

BCE Rep: Sir, please refrain from using demeaning language, its not-

Me: Now you’re a moron.

BCE Rep: Ok sir, I think I’m going to hang up.

Me: Yes you go be a nice little boy and do that now.

(Phone is hung up)

Feeling rather peeved at the inefficiency of our society, I decided to take matters into my own hands. Fortunately, the area around me was in the vicinity of a temple. The temple was called “The Temple of the Wu Ji” which in English means absolutely nothing. I went inside and sought help from an abbot sitting in the nearest hall. The abbot was rather pleased with my entrance and asked one of the junior monks to fetch some coffee. I had no idea monks kept coffee in their temples. Wasn’t caffeine consumption some kind of a divine offence? No? Who cares?

Ok anyway, I took the coffee and told him my plight. I told him all about the tardy toenail doctor and the annoying BCE Rep and how my toenail still hurt and everything. By the time my tale was done, an hour had gone past. The abbot was silent throughout and he stared at me with his old man eyes. You know those old rusty brown eyes with drooping eyelids and a cloudy shade to it. That’s what I had to stare at for an hour. Have you ever tried staring into old man eyes for an hour? It’s incredibly boring. Don’t try it.

So after an exhausting one hour of non stop complaining, the abbot responded. What he said was simple, precise and informative. It went something like this:

Old Abbot: “Lei gong meh ah?”

Me: “...” (Stunned)

Old Abbot: “Gnoh tang mh doh.”

Me: “Huh?”

Old Abbot: “LEI GONG MEH AH!? GNOH TANG MH DOH!”

It was just then I realised “Lei gong meh ah?” was Cantonese for “What are you saying?” and “Gnoh tang mh doh” was Cantonese for “I can’t hear you.” So basically the stupid abbot was saying he couldn’t hear me at all and was wondering what I was saying all this while. Just great isn’t it? The day just keeps getting better and better. Now I’ve wasted another friggin hour talking to an old and deaf abbot. Wonderful.

The abbot kept rocking back and forth mumbling to himself about who knows what. It was then I concluded he was a bit senile and if I don’t leave soon I’d soon go crazy myself. So I got up and started walking towards the exit. It was then I noticed the hallway was filled with different idols and various exotic monuments to the divine. Among them were Erlang Shen, Sun Wukong, Nezha, Guanyin Ma, Tua Peh Kong and there was this one in a corner that looked like some random fat guy that ate too much pizza. Actually, if you think about it, a third of them look like they’ve had too much pizza, another third look like they wanna kill somebody and the rest were either smiling some kind of pervert smile or look like they wanna sleep.

It was rather amusing walking down that hall and gazing at all the various deities and their assortments. All was fine and dandy till I came to the last altar. This one really caught my eye. Why? Because it was the only one without any idol, figurine or food on it. In fact, it had nothing on it except for this big red button that said “Do Not Press.” Although this was a Chinese temple with a Cantonese speaking Abbot filled with Chinese deities and words, it was indeed strange and out of place that a random button should be labelled with English. Or perhaps it’s just an attempt by me to cover up the fact that my Chinese sucks and I can’t type “Do Not Press” in Chinese. No matter. The button was there and it said “Do Not Press.”

Well, any normal sensible human would probably go “Yeah, I shouldn’t press it. I don’t know what’s going to happen, it might be some kind of fire alarm or something and I don’t want to cause any trouble.” And so you walk away. Unfortunately, I’m not a normal sensible human. I went “I’m bored, annoyed and need some respite for all the time that I’ve wasted so far. Why not press this button and hopefully something exciting will happen.” And so I pressed it.

It was then when I noticed a sign post on the right. It read:

“Warning, This is the Altar of the Permanent Nullifier. Pressing the button will erase user’s entire existence completely and permanently in exactly the time it takes to read this."

Me: “WHAT THE!? OH SHI-“
























- The State of Nonsense -

Pencil Sharpeners are Better than Humans

We humans always think we’re the best. Don’t you agree? We’re the ones who named all the animals. We’re the ones who explore, construct and create. We’re the ones endowed with the power of thought and the freedom of choice (or at least those not in NS are). We’re the ones at the top of the food chain. We have accomplished so much as humans here on this planet it’s understood we’re the best. I mean, I once saw a poster saying “Behold! The World’s Most Dangerous Creature: Homo Sapiens.”

You have to agree. We have indeed done much. One might even argue we have done too much. Which is why I’ve long pondered over these questions: Are we really the best? What could possibly be better than a human?

And after years of serious thought, I believe I’ve come to a concrete answer. Indeed, a Pencil Sharpener is the one thing that is definitely better than a Human Being. I’m sure you’re probably begging the question as to why right now.

Why?

Why are Pencil Sharpeners better than Humans?

Here are 5 very good reasons.


1) Pencil Sharpeners only have one hole while Humans have more than one hole.

Some people argue that having more holes is actually an advantage but I vehemently disagree. You see, in the game of golf if you have only one hole in your score sheet that means you got the best possible score ever, the hole in one. Also, if you only have one hole, it is safer for everyone around you because there is a lesser chance of people falling into the holes. Holes as you know can be a health hazard because when you fall in you’ll break your legs and having broken legs is not fun.

2) Pencil Sharpeners can sharpen pencils while Humans have to use pencil sharpeners to sharpen pencils.

This is pretty self explanatory. Pencil Sharpeners can sharpen pencils with dead set efficiency. Humans on the other hand can’t even begin to sharpen a pencil without the aid of a Pencil Sharpener. And to add insult to injury, with all the holes a human has, neither of them can sharpen a pencil like the hole a Pencil Sharpener has. I think my point is well established here.

3) Pencil Sharpeners keep their waste shavings efficiently while Humans shit all over the place.

Most Pencil Sharpeners are all about cleanliness and waste efficiency. Pencil Sharpeners care about the environment so much they keep their waste shavings in tiny little boxes and dispose of them nicely. Humans on the other hand, shit all over the place. Some humans even go all the way into jungles for field camps and shit all over the jungle. And the worst part is those people don’t even bother to cover their shit up! They just leave it lying on the floor and that’s dangerous because a wild boar might mistake it for a chocolate milkshake and lick it all up. Terrible.

4) Humans are directly responsible for World Wars, Global Pollution and Economic Meltdowns while Pencil Sharpeners just sit there.

Have you ever met a Pencil Sharpener you didn’t like? Probably not. That’s because Pencil Sharpeners are peace loving things that just sit there quietly. Humans, however, don’t. We shout all over the place, piss people off and burn stuff down on a consistent basis. Pencil Sharpeners are infinitely more peace-loving than humans. You don’t see a white Pencil Sharpener beating the crap out of a black Pencil Sharpener do you? Likewise you also don’t see a “Made in China” Pencil Sharpener kicking a “Made in Taiwan” Pencil Sharpener in the gonads too right? Wish I could say the same for humans though...

5) Pencil Sharpeners can be instantly bought while you have to wait a whole 9 months before your Human is delivered.

Pencil Sharpeners are always there for you. They are punctual, easily available and rarely fail you. Getting a Pencil Sharpener is easy and fast. You go down to a store and buy one. That’s it. An effective human on the other hand, is notoriously difficult to attain. You have to first find two humans, get them to like each other, followed by this terribly expensive ceremony called marriage and then a little something called mutual pro creation or otherwise known as reproduction occurs. Then depending on luck and other environmental factors, a potential human may occur. At this point it is still a potential human. Only after a full friggin 9 months does this potential human become a mini human. And only after 21 friggin years later does this mini human become a full blown effective adult human. And all this while assuming nothing goes wrong with the process and everything is in favourable condition. Pretty obvious which is better.


So there you have it. The top 5 reasons why Pencil Sharpeners are better than Humans. A rather objective outlook I must say. Beg to differ you say? Well, think about this, Pencil Sharpeners don’t argue while you do. This makes a Pencil Sharpener way better than you. So shut up.



- The State of Nonsense -