The Olympics is getting Boring

The Olympics is getting boring. I mean it’s the same old shit every time. Bunch of people running, wrestling, jumping, throwing some damn stick... yawn. I think it’s time we introduce some brand new sports. I mean, it’s all really about the entertainment value anyway, seriously, who cares about that Gold when you can have a good laugh. People want to be shocked. They want to be glued to the edge of their seats. They don’t want to watch some sap magnet in tights do some gay flips on a mat.

So, without further ado, here are some Olympic Sports recommendations I think would be a good addition to the current line up.


1) Crotch Kicking

Let’s face it, there’s nothing funnier than watching a guy get kicked in the gonads. The resultant squeal and the doubling up on the floor writhing in pain bit is just so fascinating. So, what better way to experience this than by having an Olympic Sport devoted to it? The rules are pretty simple. There will be 2 teams, one on each side, obviously only males will get to participate. Each team will be limited to 8 players and are required to wear heavy shoes, similar to those worn by those in construction. Basically, once the whistle is blown, the teams must kick the crotches of those in the opposing team. Once a player doubles over and falls down, that player is eliminated. If a player squeals or uses his hands to grab his crotch then bonus points are won. Continue the kicking until all the players on one side are gone. Note that no crotch guards or any form of protection to that area is allowed.


2) Alligator Throwing

You know how they randomly throw some stick or metal ball in the current Olympics? Frankly, I find it rather boring. If you’re going to throw something, why not throw something more worthwhile? Like a friggin alligator. Yeah, that’ll be an excellent idea. I hate alligators, so let’s make them suffer. I mean it’ll definitely make for great entertainment. So it’s pretty much similar to the normal throwing rules except you’re now throwing an adult sized Alligator instead of a boring old stick. The athletes will have to grab the alligator by its tail and assuming they survive that, will have to whirl the creature around and around and release it when enough momentum is gathered. Note the alligator would’ve not been fed for 3 days so he’ll be pretty hungry. All the more fun for the athlete to see if he/she can hold it down. And if the alligator manages to eat the athlete then it’s an instant Gold medal for the Animal Kingdom.


3) A Staring Contest

The rules of this are simple. Just have two guys sit facing each other and let them stare into the eyes of the other. The first person to laugh or visibly move a large portion of their face is eliminated. Since a staring contest isn’t the most exciting thing on earth, there will be another special rule for the participants. Mainly, each person competing must be either very good looking or very ugly. No average joes and plain janes allowed. Why you say? So that when the cameras do close ups during the contests the audience will either be wowed by their good looks or roll on the floor laughing at the ugly ones. Remember the priority here are the people watching, the sponsorships and the money. If the audience isn’t entertained then screw the sport.


4) Crap TV Marathon

This sport will take guts, a lot of guts, but the glory is equally tremendous. First of all, the athletes will have to sign a life and death release form and agree that whatever happens, happens at their own expense. The marathon is simple but potentially brutal. Forget everything you knew about arduous trainings, exhausting exercises and long suffering races. This tops them all. What we’ll do is we’ll place all the athletes in front of a huge plasma TV screen and we’ll play the TV show High School Musical followed by 3 episodes of Teletubbies and back to High School Musical again. This pattern will continue indefinitely until there is only one athlete left. The athletes must look and watch the show at all times and are not allowed to leave. If they drop out, die, faint or go insane then they are eliminated. The last sane athlete left watching gets the Gold medal. Only for those with very strong constitutions.


5) The Biggest Asshole

This sport is going to be the most kickass one out of all my suggestions. When people watch the Olympics what do they look out for? I mean other than cheering their own country on, the number one thing most people want to see is screw ups. Let’s face it, this is the very reason why Reality TV is so popular, we want to see people trip, screw up, fall, fight and make a fool out of themselves. So this next sport will be dedicated to fulfilling this viewer desire. This sport will last a full 7 days. And within these 7 days, all participating athletes will have to screw up as many other Olympic sports as they can. A screw up includes denying other players their Gold, pranking referees, rigging the games, spoiling equipment, sabotaging facilities, disrupting the events etc. Some examples would be say urinating in the Water Polo swimming pool, replacing the shot puts with live grenades, putting trip wires on the 100m dashes and the list goes on. The key here is to use your imagination. Extra points will be rewarded for creative disruption and the athlete with the most number of screw up points wins “The Biggest Asshole” Gold medal.


Seriously, I think these suggestions won’t only just work, they’ll be so groundbreaking the media will probably make three times as much money as their making now. And no you don’t need to thank me, because you see, Sports has contributed so much to society already! I mean, think of all the huge masses of useful jocks that Sports has churned out for us! Without them, our society wouldn’t have anymore supermarket cashiers, concrete mixers and janitors and that’s scary. As so, I think it’s time for me to give what little I can back to Sports and I hope that I’ve done my part with these relevant and revolutionary suggestions. Thank You.



- The State of Nonsense -