My Last Day on Earth

I regret to announce that I, Mr Ho Sung Him Paul, will no longer be able to perform the duties required of me as a human. My position as a fully functioning person and a standard member of human society will be revoked as of 13th September, 2008. My humanity will be utterly stripped from me, removed from my presence and stored in a cookie jar for a period of no less than 730 days, starting from the aforementioned date. During this extended period of time, with the loss of my humanity, I will be given the ability and opportunity to execute unspeakable acts of horror that may terrorise farmers and the old man upstairs. Some of these horrible acts include running around in circles, touching trees, cleaning toilets and waking up too early. By the time I am done and my humanity returned, I will no longer be the same Paul Ho you all know.

For you see, before me lies an infinite abyss of doom, a malevolent vortex of evil, a bottomless chasm of wickedness. For so long, many of my kind have stood their ground against this monstrosity and have fought the good fight. But, one by one they have fallen, all around me, my friends, my comrades, my brothers. One by one they’ve gone. I’m the only one left. I’m the last of my kind. The last man standing.

It’s as if we’re all lined up to be executed. And somehow, I’m last in line. I have bore witness to those that have gone before me. One by one they fell, violently sucked into the giant vortex of no return. The wails of abject horror are those that haunt your dreams for weeks after. It all started with Joseph. He was the first to succumb. His screams for mercy could be heard even as the black nothingness of swirling evil consumed the very depths of his soul. The next one to fall victim was Jonathan. Good old Jon, the man who would never give up unless you gave him cash. He was next. He fell alone and on a random day nobody remembers.

The next in line was Stanley. A good friend who would’ve still be standing if it weren’t for the free pretzels they gave. He fell and we watched with despair. After him was Ernest. Ernest, a good stout fellow that has never let us down, till he fell. He fell prematurely too, got sucked in so fast we all didn’t realise what happened till a week after. And with the trauma of Ernest’s early doom, morale was at an all time low. Benjamin couldn’t take it. He fell soon after. Benjamin, if only you were able to hold on you’d still be around today. By now, our numbers were waning, little by little we were being eroded from all sides and our strength was failing with each passing day.

For a while it was good, till the day Kenneth fell. And as Kenneth got sucked into the vortex, he screamed “Mom! Please clean the bed sheets! I wet it again!” and with that, he disappeared. Soon after, Samuel and Nathaniel fell too. They fell together, bringing with them our last hope for salvation. And just like that, I was the only one left. The last of my kind.

And so inevitably, I sense my end is near. It is close, so close now I can feel it breathing down my neck. There is no hope now. I am next. The last one to fall. I stand at the brink of oblivion gazing at the giant vortex responsible for taking the lives of so many I love. I stand and I think to myself, “I wonder if I’ll have enough underwear.”

And although I have stood for so long, struggled and wrestled against the evil politic. I have decided this is the end. I see now, there is no hope, no point in fighting. I do not fear the unknown. I will meet this new challenge head on and I will succeed. I will stand strong and I’ll give them hell. I will never give up and I’ll laugh at the faces of those who doubt me. It’s been wonderful fighting side by side with most of you, and I will not forget the times we have shared. But remember my friends, remember this well, while today it is me, one by one, sooner or later...

We all shall fall.




And with this being my last day on Earth, I’d like to take the opportunity to thank and say goodbye to the people I’ll miss. These are the people that have been with me through thick and thin. They have always been there and have never let me down. Not once. They have made me laugh when I was sad, comforted me when I cried, lifted me up when I fell. So I’d like to dedicate this post to this bunch of wonderful people that have impacted my life so.

Agent Smith

Agent Smith, although you’re such an evil asshole and have tried to take over the World, you’ll always mean a lot to me. Not because you’re evil or that you’re really just a stupid rogue computer program, but rather, I just love the way you talk. Your long monologues have brought much comfort and peace to my life and I will not forget those speeches soon. Reciting what you’ve said always brings me much cheer and I will always thank you for that. Also, I think you have cool sunglasses.

Jim Halpert

Jim, you’re the coolest guy I know. You’re a great role model and you’ve never failed to make me laugh. Your casual attitude and dry humour has inspired me on so many levels. I thank you for the witty replies, the sarcastic overtones and the many pranks on Dwight. These are the things that have brightened my day and brought much joy to my life. But most of all, you have shown me the beauty of removing all the bullshit and just be yourself.

Dwight Schrute

Dwight, although you’re the biggest asshole I know, you’re still just damn funny. I thank you for the many times your strict outlook and severe attitude has caused much mayhem in the office. You have the most unique and unorthodox view on life I have ever seen. And that is what makes you so special. I will never forget your militaristic mannerisms, your reactions to Jim’s pranks, your undying loyalty, and your service to Dunder Mifflin. Long live Dwight.

Gandalf

Gandalf, you hold a big place in my heart and you always will. Your presence has never failed to soothe and comfort me. Your words of wisdom have illuminated my mind like a warm campfire on a cold dark night. You’ve been around for a long time Gandalf and you have always been there. Always been there to see everything through and I will always thank you for that. The best thing you’ve ever said was “for that is not for you to decide, all you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you.” This will always be with me to the very ends of time.

Frodo Baggins

Frodo, although you can be such a big wuss sometimes, your enduring nature has always inspired me never to give up. You have taught me to hold on to the very end even when everything around you collapses and dies. You have taught me to never give up, to always move forward. I thank you for bearing the pain, the suffering and the torment. I thank you for fighting the good fight and never giving in. From all of us, you have done us proud.

Borat Sagdiyev

Borat, you’re the biggest idiot I know and trust me, I know many idiots. Your shocking mannerisms and hilarious antics have kept me entertained for hours. I mean, just your name “Borat” already cracks me up. I love the way you talk and the way you interact with people. You have taught me to appreciate the little things in life, for by knowing you have nothing, you see you have everything. Plus, I love your national anthem too. All hail Kazakhstan.

Ryan Stiles

Ryan, you are the single greatest improviser of all time. Ok maybe not, but you definitely come close. I thank you for all the times you have cheered me up when I was down. For years I’ve known you and you have never failed to crack me up. I love the way you poke fun at Drew and everyone else but still standing up for Colin. I love your wit and your “resigned to fate” look when you get the really weird character requirements. I thank you for all those years of laughter.

Colin Mochrie

Colin, you too are the single greatest improviser of all time. Ok maybe not, but you definitely come close. I love your average Joe style of comedy. You have shown me that even among greatness, you are still one of us. You have taught me the meaning of humility, I don’t know exactly how, but you have. You have taught me to accept myself for who I am and I will always thank you for that. Also, I love all the bald jokes that they throw at you and your reactions are just priceless.

Tyler Durden

Tyler, you are the biggest maverick I know and an inspiration to my life. And although you really went quite crazy in the end, your legacy will always remind me that all freedom is never free. Freedom has a cost and many times that cost is monumental. I love the way you see things, the way you deal with situations and your ability to let that which does not matter, truly slide. You have taught me both the value of Anarchy and the evils of corruption. I also love the way you narrate, it brings a sense of warmth and comfort that I will never forget.

V

V, like Agent Smith, you’ve been a huge inspiration. I absolutely love the way you talk and your speeches has brought much food for my brain. You, too, have taught me the meaning of true freedom and the need for a saviour in this messed up World. You have inspired me never to give in and to always hold on, for one day it will soon be over and when the rain falls, it will bring forth tears of joy as the soothing pitter-patter of raindrops plaster your face with the loving touch of cold release.

If you’re wondering why there’s not a single real person on my list, there’s a reason for that. Why I didn’t write goodbyes for real people is because I’ve always thought that’s too politically dangerous. But after giving it a bit of thought, I realise that it is possible to do it without upsetting those that aren’t mentioned. And so, here are the real people in my life I really want to thank.


Miss Vakencroft

You’ve been a really big blessing in my life. I thank you for always lending a listening ear and being such a great support in both good times and bad. I thank you for all the laughs, the good times and even the bad, because that’s where growth happens. It’s been really great knowing you all these years. And seeing that you’re currently working on a huge project right now, I’d like to wish you all the best and leave you this: “Never give up. Ever.”

Mr Makakawaki

You never fail to make me laugh. Not because you’re deliberately funny, but the way you go about doing things, the way you act and react and your outlook in life just cracks me up. The thing I most appreciate about you is your sense of justice, your innocence and this sense of purity that you have. You are by far the most pure guy I’ve ever seen. I thank you for your willingness to listen. It’s been really great knowing you all these years and I will always treasure all the times we’ve shared. From camps to dinners and outings, time has flown by, things will never happen again but the memories will live on forever.

Miss Nalestrom

I love talking to you. You’re one of the few who still manages to intrigue me even after all this while. I thank you for all the good chats, the encouragements and the nonsense. I love your wit, the way you laugh and your “unique” sense of humour. I appreciate your deep seated personality, your complexity and the way you see things. I have learnt much from you. And although you may switch off from time to time, I know deep down you’re always there. You mean much more to me than you will ever know. So with that, I leave you this: “For this, too, shall pass.”

Mr Staplepoon

You’ve been a really good friend all these years and I will forever be thankful for that. I appreciate the different views on issues you bring and your cynical outlook on the media and the hidden systems that truly run the World. I thank you for all your prayers and support all these years. I also thank you for the debates and random discussions we’ve had. Truly, for I have enjoyed them all. The days of the cruise will always be with me and I thank you for all the fun times we’ve shared.

Mr Jobberstone

Although I can’t stand you some times and you can’t stand me too, deep down we know it’s the very differences that makes it funny and totally worth bearing. I’ve known you for many years and I’ll always appreciate all the times we’ve shared together. From camp, to dinners, to meetings, to sessions and to all the outings. I appreciate your hilarious sense of budget, your dreary mannerisms and your obsession with planning. I have learnt much from you. I thank you for the advice, the talks and the debates. But most of all, I thank you for always enduring me when I’m difficult and never giving up.

Miss Mickenwire

You’ve been such a good friend all these years and although bad things do happen to good people, you’ve always been there. I really appreciate your ability to be serious and funny at the same time and you’re the only person I know who has mastered this art. You have been a blessing in my life and I thank you for all the times you’ve endured my crap and for the times you threw it right back. I thank you for making me laugh when I cry and cry when I am talking nonsense. You get it. You’re probably the only one that will.

Mr Geckolane

You have always been a great friend to me even though you come from a different World. And that is what I respect most about you, the ability to let go of self and reach to the poor, the alien, the oppressed and the weak. I thank you for all your prayers and undying support, they mean a lot to me. I thank you for sacrificing so much time for us. I thank you for all your hard work and all the effort you have put in for us. I really appreciate all the late night talks, the jokes and the advice. You, sir, are a heck of a leader.

Miss Marollo

Although I’ve only known you for a while, it seems like I’ve known you for a very long time. Your thinking style and views in life are very different from most girls I know and that’s what I find interesting. I love talking to you because you’re one of the few females I know who can hold a decent intellectual conversation without the standard blank expression I usually get. I realise you see many things the same way I do and that’s also what makes conversing with you so fun. I also love your sense of humour and your stable personality. Thanks for all the laughter, the discussions and for brightening up my life.

Mr Jossleafy

I’ve known you ever since I can remember, all the way at the beginning when Warcraft 2 first came out and Red Alert birthed the modern warfare RTS industry. It was you who first introduced to the World of gaming and although people out there will say that’s a bad thing, I still say thank you. I appreciate your patience and your steadfast attitude towards everything. You’re the one person I know who will still be standing even after a nuclear explosion just went off at the back. I thank you for the LOTR times, the gaming sessions and the geek talk.

Miss Rawkinlore

Although we’re not really that close, there will always be a certain point of unspoken understanding between us. The thing I most appreciate about you is your complex personality and the depth of character that you possess. Your unpredictable nature is what makes it all interesting too, talking to you is never dull and I will always appreciate that. I thank you for the small encouragements you’ve given me when I was down and for all the times we’ve shared together.

Mr Erfalong

You’re a person that doesn’t say or do much, but I know that deep down you are there and you care. I really appreciate all the times you’ve sacrificed your personal time to be with us. I love your unique outlook in life and I find it a wonder that you are able to model your behaviour after a minor ideology. It’s pretty interesting to watch. I love talking to you because you bring up many different insights that I would never have thought of and your deadpan, dry sense of humour just cracks me up.

Miss Lekington

You’re one of the sweetest girls I know and really, you’ve been a great blessing. I thank you for the good chats, the weird jokes and all the little things you’ve done for me. What I appreciate most about you is your innate desire to give and it is this nature that has touched the lives of many around you, not just me. I thank you for all your encouragements, your prayers and your support.



And with that, I leave this World behind and face a new beginning, a new chapter and a new life. Like a sailor on a new ship to an unknown destination with an unknown crew, what mysteries shall we uncover, what adventures shall we have, what monsters shall we find. No one knows.



Optimism: You’ll be back before you know it! Don’t worry!

Pessimism: NOOOOO! We’re all going to die! Who’s gonna write us now?!

Cynicism: Bah! What’s the big deal anyway. Good riddance I say.

Environmentalism: Have fun touching the trees my friend! Nature isn’t so bad, you’ll see!

Capitalism: Damn. One more soldier for upkeep. One more person on welfare. Irritating.

Democracy: Dude, be nice. At least he's contributing to society.

Communism: That’s right. About time you started contributing instead of living for yourself all the time you selfish bastard.

Nihilism: Nothing’s going to change because nothing matters. You’re going to die anyway, why not now...

Religion: God will be with you my friend. He is always there.

Science: Bah! Don’t listen to that crap. It’s because of me you get such wonderful facilities in the first place so you owe me one buddy.

The Arts: Heeheehee! Have fun painting the walls with the blood of those you’ve killed! Heeheehee!

Sadism: *Drools* I heard the word blood... *Drools*

Pacifism: Sigh... not another one going into a world of conflict...

Activism: Whatever you do, just follow the instructions and you’ll be fine!

The Law: THE CONTRACT STATES ITS JUST FOR TWO YEARS, SO JUST TOUGH IT OUT AND DON’T BREAK ME OR I WILL PUT YOUR ASS IN A DETENTION BARRACKS FOREVER.

Post Modernism: “Society is part of the failure of consciousness,” says Foucault; however, according to Hanfkopf, it is not so much society that is part of the failure of consciousness, but rather the stasis, and eventually the collapse, of society. Marx’s essay on capitalist narrative states that narrativity is capable of significance, but only if consciousness is interchangeable with art; if that is not the case, the law is intrinsically meaningless. In a sense, in Natural Born Killers, Stone affirms subtextual discourse; in Heaven and Earth he analyses neotextual constructivism.

By the way, for those of you who are wondering if this blog is closing I can assure it is not. I will continue to write even with the limited time I will be given. But needless to say, don't expect any content for at least 3 weeks from now.

So, wish me luck as I fade into non-existence and disappear into the horizon. And as I said earlier, while today it is me, remember my friend, one by one, sooner or later... We all shall fall.

I am Next.

Goodbye World.



- The State of Nonsense -