The Secret Diary of Reverend Random

Dear Diary,

I was looking out the window yesterday when a blue bird told me the polar ice caps were melting. And the polar ice caps said unto the man in the armchair: “Thou art like Ghandi dressed in a pink floral dress”. And the man in the armchair gave a large white toothy grin and replied “These are my prostate examination results, which I am well pleased.” The man in the armchair was happy with his prostate examination results because this meant free lime coke for everyone in third grade, including that snivelling grandma in the corner that nobody likes.

I learnt that lime coke was not made out of lime but made out of the bark of the jujube tree and jujube trees are so rare they make diamonds piss and moan. But jujube trees have the ability to fly at night so all you have to do is get the man in the armchair to say “Behold this! For it is my fist!” and the jujube tree will stop in shock and cry because it doesn’t have fists.

But what about all the bald men? Bald men have fists too you know! So it’s very simple, all you have to do is get a bunch of bald men to form a hippie drum circle and have them sing along to “Great is thy Faithfulness upon thy PSP”. And we’ll all fall down with utter awe at the shine on their heads because Ra the Egyptian sun god isn’t pleased with the photosynthesis going on within the bark of the jujube tree which incidentally is used to make lime coke.

Ra the Egyptian sun god doesn’t like the man in the armchair because when Ra went to the toilet, the man in the armchair sat in his armchair. And when Ra came out he had a piece of toilet paper stuck to his Birkenstocks, but he didn’t notice. So the man in the armchair said “the wheels of the bus go round and round” and Ra replied “I’m Batman.” And they all giggled with glee because Miss Potterson came back late last night and missed the latest episode of Ugly Betty.

So, the toilet paper on Ra’s Birkenstocks flew away in a maroon balloon with a baboon in a cocoon. The baboon’s name was Wu Gong Leong because that is a good name for a dopey looking primate with a red ass. So Wu Gong Leong the baboon sat with the piece of toilet paper and suddenly said in a shrill voice “E.T. got home!”

Unfortunately, the CIA heard it, got paranoid and launched an air strike on Tatooine, killing Anakin’s mother. Anakin was very sad because of this and refused to become a jedi, so he got together with Eric Cartman, Spiderman and the man in the armchair to form “The Anti-Society Society” or “The ASS” for short. Till this day The ASS is doing very well with Anakin leading the helm and Spiderman as a car park attendant. In fact, I just met with the man in the armchair and he told me that “with great quantities of Char Siew Bao one must eat more”.

These words of wisdom were so filled with meaning and hope that three thousand Tibetan monks decided to break their vegetarian vow and proceeded to their nearest 7-11 to buy a bunch of Char Siew Baos to eat. Ra was very sad that he didn’t get any Char Siew Baos, so he rained candyfloss on half the planet because he’s such a wuss. The diabetics complained to Oprah Winfrey about too much sugar in the candyfloss and Oprah said “Doth sway my heart.” which meant “I am a rich black woman so why should I care. Get off my couch.” And the diabetics all broke down and committed suicide leaving a huge mess on Microsoft’s office floor. So Bill Gates decided to ban all diabetics from using Windows but he was too stupid to realise that they could use Doors instead.

And so, the moral of the story is that the tooth fairy will not give you a dollar if you set the karang guni man’s hair on fire.


Yours Sincerely,
Rev. Random



- The State of Nonsense -