My Journey to Nowhere

Many of you who see this new post here will probably be thinking “Ah, good, that lazy ass bugger finally decided to update”. And that’s true except for the fact that I’m not a lazy ass bugger. You might be thinking, “Where the heck has Paul been all this while?” I know, I know, tuning to a perpetual dead blog is no fun, it’s like going to the 7 11 every day for a Slurpee and somehow they’re always out of stock or when they do have stock it’s always some crappy flavour like mango or something. Who the hell drinks mango Slurpee anyway? So yes, I do understand, somewhat.

But, you see, most people confuse understanding with caring. Someone may understand a situation but may not give two hoots about it. Vice versa, one may totally misunderstand what’s actually happening but give a World of care. So although I do understand your depressing plight of endless dead blog reading, I simply do not care. Ok, now we’ve got that straightened out, let’s move on.

The essential question is where I’ve been all this while. Well, boy do I have a story to tell you. You see, it all started with a simple toenail examination. I went down as usual to the toenail clinic and requested for a regular check up. Now, this is almost boring because it’s routine and honestly I dislike routine, so to cut a long story short, basically what happened was that stupid toenail doctor wasn’t in. Mind you, I waited for 43 minutes and 12 seconds before the moronic toenail nurse realised the doctor wasn’t in. How inefficient is that? That was rhetoric, so no wisecracks please thank you.

They say time is money and in this instance I whole heartedly agree because this means the stupid toenail clinic just robbed me of 43 minutes and 12 seconds of my time. And since time is money, they’ve just robbed me of my cash too! Was I going to take that lying down!? Heck No! So what did I do? I did what every sensible person would have done. I called the Board of Currency Exchange or BCE to find out what was the exchange rate for minutes and seconds to dollars and cents. The phone call went something like this:

Me: Hello. Is this the BCE?

BCE Rep: Yes sir, this is the BCE, how can I help?

Me: Well, you can start by telling me what the exchange rate from time to cash is.

BCE Rep: I’m sorry sir... What did you say again?

Me: I said can you please tell me what the exchange rate is for minutes and seconds to dollars and cents.

(Momentary Silence lasting for about 5 seconds)

BCE Rep: ...Erm I’m sorry sir, but I’ve got no idea what you want from me...

Me: You’re an idiot.

BCE Rep: Please sir, understand that what you ask is not in our system. There’s no such thing as a literal monetary value attached to time.

Me: Maybe. But you’re still an idiot.

BCE Rep: Sir, please refrain from using demeaning language, its not-

Me: Now you’re a moron.

BCE Rep: Ok sir, I think I’m going to hang up.

Me: Yes you go be a nice little boy and do that now.

(Phone is hung up)

Feeling rather peeved at the inefficiency of our society, I decided to take matters into my own hands. Fortunately, the area around me was in the vicinity of a temple. The temple was called “The Temple of the Wu Ji” which in English means absolutely nothing. I went inside and sought help from an abbot sitting in the nearest hall. The abbot was rather pleased with my entrance and asked one of the junior monks to fetch some coffee. I had no idea monks kept coffee in their temples. Wasn’t caffeine consumption some kind of a divine offence? No? Who cares?

Ok anyway, I took the coffee and told him my plight. I told him all about the tardy toenail doctor and the annoying BCE Rep and how my toenail still hurt and everything. By the time my tale was done, an hour had gone past. The abbot was silent throughout and he stared at me with his old man eyes. You know those old rusty brown eyes with drooping eyelids and a cloudy shade to it. That’s what I had to stare at for an hour. Have you ever tried staring into old man eyes for an hour? It’s incredibly boring. Don’t try it.

So after an exhausting one hour of non stop complaining, the abbot responded. What he said was simple, precise and informative. It went something like this:

Old Abbot: “Lei gong meh ah?”

Me: “...” (Stunned)

Old Abbot: “Gnoh tang mh doh.”

Me: “Huh?”

Old Abbot: “LEI GONG MEH AH!? GNOH TANG MH DOH!”

It was just then I realised “Lei gong meh ah?” was Cantonese for “What are you saying?” and “Gnoh tang mh doh” was Cantonese for “I can’t hear you.” So basically the stupid abbot was saying he couldn’t hear me at all and was wondering what I was saying all this while. Just great isn’t it? The day just keeps getting better and better. Now I’ve wasted another friggin hour talking to an old and deaf abbot. Wonderful.

The abbot kept rocking back and forth mumbling to himself about who knows what. It was then I concluded he was a bit senile and if I don’t leave soon I’d soon go crazy myself. So I got up and started walking towards the exit. It was then I noticed the hallway was filled with different idols and various exotic monuments to the divine. Among them were Erlang Shen, Sun Wukong, Nezha, Guanyin Ma, Tua Peh Kong and there was this one in a corner that looked like some random fat guy that ate too much pizza. Actually, if you think about it, a third of them look like they’ve had too much pizza, another third look like they wanna kill somebody and the rest were either smiling some kind of pervert smile or look like they wanna sleep.

It was rather amusing walking down that hall and gazing at all the various deities and their assortments. All was fine and dandy till I came to the last altar. This one really caught my eye. Why? Because it was the only one without any idol, figurine or food on it. In fact, it had nothing on it except for this big red button that said “Do Not Press.” Although this was a Chinese temple with a Cantonese speaking Abbot filled with Chinese deities and words, it was indeed strange and out of place that a random button should be labelled with English. Or perhaps it’s just an attempt by me to cover up the fact that my Chinese sucks and I can’t type “Do Not Press” in Chinese. No matter. The button was there and it said “Do Not Press.”

Well, any normal sensible human would probably go “Yeah, I shouldn’t press it. I don’t know what’s going to happen, it might be some kind of fire alarm or something and I don’t want to cause any trouble.” And so you walk away. Unfortunately, I’m not a normal sensible human. I went “I’m bored, annoyed and need some respite for all the time that I’ve wasted so far. Why not press this button and hopefully something exciting will happen.” And so I pressed it.

It was then when I noticed a sign post on the right. It read:

“Warning, This is the Altar of the Permanent Nullifier. Pressing the button will erase user’s entire existence completely and permanently in exactly the time it takes to read this."

Me: “WHAT THE!? OH SHI-“
























- The State of Nonsense -