You know, I’m getting rather sick and tired of all these “Confessions of...” shows and books. Honestly, it’s getting on my nerves. The newest one in the list is that stupid show “Confessions of a Shopaholic”. I mean seriously... Who cares? That irritating Isla Fisher really pisses me off. And then there was this one by that stupid Lindsay Lohan “Confessions of a Teenage Drama Shit Queen” or something. I was dumb enough to actually watch it and really it should just be called “Confessions of a lameass wannabe moron who needs to learn how to stop whining and give me back my ten bucks for the movie”.
I mean what’s there to confess? You only confess something when it’s wrong or should I say, ethically questionable. These people in the movies or books usually did nothing wrong per se and they basically end up lumping their entire life story as a so called “Confession”. Utter bull I tell you. Read my lips, there’s a friggin world of a difference between an AUTOBIOGRAPHY and a CONFESSION. As far as I’m concerned, the only place confessions should be done is in a Church. And that’s only if you’re Catholic. For the rest of us, it’s called “I’m sorry for
So since this whole “Confessions of...” idea is for some reason becoming rather popular, I have cynically decided to jump on the bandwagon. And who to feature but someone who actually uses a wagon for a living: the ever lovely Karang Guni Man. As so, I’ve taken the liberty to do some research on a particular Karang Guni Man called “Mr Fok Heng Kok”. And by research I mean tracking him to one corner and threatening to throw away all my newspapers if he doesn’t tell me his vital statistics. So here is some random vital information about good old Mr Heng Kok the Karang Guni Man.
Name: Mr. Fok Heng Kok
D.O.B: 3rd March 1957
Age: 52
Occupation: Professional Karang Guni Man
R. Status: Married
IC Number: S5749531D
Address: 64 Punggol Street Blk 77 #04-31 Singapore (139004)
House No: 68846630
Office No: Nil
HP No: 98663021
NOK No: 88074365
PSLE Table No: 32887
“O” Level Seat No: 29
Ngee Ann Poly Student No: 10034669
NS BMT 4D No: 4209
NS BSLC 4D No: 3305
NS Unit 4D No: 1307
Bank Account No: *** ***** **
Credit Card No: **** ******* **** **** ***
House Computer Username: Hengkok
eBay Username: Hengkoksell
eBay Password: ireallyloverubbish11
Karanguniforums Username: iamhengkok64
Karanguniforums Password: istillloverubbish11
Email: hengkokrocks@hotmail.com
Email Password: iheartrubbish11
The Confessions
Now of course getting a Karang Guni Man to admit to his many sins and wrongdoings was no easy task because who in the world would just throw out all their skeletons in the closet with no incentive right? So in light of this, I took the time to hire a very effective interrogator and I must say he was well worth the money. Introducing... The Grim Reaper himself and Mr Fok Heng Kok.
The Grim Reaper: Death... Mr Fok Heng Kok... I am hereby here to extract a confession from you... for your many sins... Death... So... out with it... what are your greatest sins... a confession... is needed for penance... Death...
Mr Heng Kok: Confesshon ar? Si mi Confesshon? I dunno thing lah! I come here just want collect ji po jia, wu sar kor, ladio, tin si ki only. Where got care what confesshon?
The Grim Reaper: Do not test my patience mortal... What are your greatest wrongs... out with it now... before I-
Mr Heng Kok: Wrongs harh? Orh! So you are like CID larh? Wears the normal clothe then come talk and scold people to catch lah. Tio boh?
The Grim Reaper: Death... Death... Death... to you... you moron...
Mr Heng Kok: Aiyah! K lah k lah... I make quick one lah I later have go KTV lounge with Beng Kok and Seto so faster finish faster zhao. What you want?
The Grim Reaper: Death... I just said... what are your greatest wrongs... confess it all... and you just might be spared... a gruesome... death...
Mr Heng Kok: Wrongs harh... Aiyah! That time ar at the Lorong 34 toilet horh I shit many many and big piece leh! But horh! I forgot to flush leh! HAHA! Na beh lah the shit damn big can forget flush sia. Damn stoopid man me.
The Grim Reaper: Forgetting to flush... is indeed... a grievous sin... you... need much... help... Death...
Mr Heng Kok: Then hor... that time right... I went Choa Chu Kang Street 17 right and then hor I go there to collect jip oh jia, wu sar kor, ladio and tin si ki lah. But then hor, I whole morning never go toilet pee ar. So hor in the Choa Chu Kang block 66 right got this damn shit person wan. Her name hor is called Chee Bee Leng and she is this damn fat ah soh! She damn irritating lah! Everytime also her newspaper machiam like shit liddat then always ask for more money. Na beh lah. So that time right, I buay song her so I in the morning right went to pee at her door. HAHA. Damn funny sia.
The Grim Reaper: Excreting of bio waste in public with malicious intent... evil of gigantic proportions...
Mr Heng Kok: Also hor, there’s this time right, at Bukit Gombak block 236 or something lah. Then right I went to this house and the maid hor damn blur sia! She give me the newspaper I weigh hor actually right is suppose to be 5 dollar and 49 cents leh. But hor I tell her is 5 dollar and 62 cents! And nab eh, she acherly believe me leh! HAHA. So I get extra 13 cents lor! Damn happy lah. In the end I go use this 13 cents to go Lorong the toilet and shit again.
The Grim Reaper: Intentional cheating of foreign hire... your fate is doomed mortal...
Mr Heng Kok: But right all this thing neh mind one lah. The worst thing right is that time hor I went to Clementi there the sunset way hor and I anyhow press the horn leh! HAHAHA. The best thing right is I never bring my trolley and weighing thing leh! I just go there want to anyhow press horn so people pek chek and get ready newspaper but then hor no karang guni man come! HAHA. I just anyhow keep pressing horn for 45 minute leh! HAHAHA. But hor people damn pek chek lah then complain to town council and to MP and I kenna ban from Clementi lor. Damn shit lah. Na Beh.
The Grim Reaper: Malicious intent of the highest degree... you deserve the cruellest of all punishments... You... will... take away all my newspapers... no karang guni man has visited me... since 1289... What say you?
Mr Heng Kok: Na beh lah! Liddat is what? 800 years of newspaper ar? CB lah! I whole life also cannot sell finish lah. KNN CCB!
And so, Mr Fok Heng Kok took all of The Grim Reaper’s 800 years worth of newspapers and slowly sold them to recycling companies in batches. In the end, he did manage to sell it all off after 28 years and with the money earned, Mr Fok Heng Kok enjoyed a nice albeit exceeding late retirement.
- The State of Nonsense -
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