My Crazy English Relatives

I’d like to introduce you to a nice little family I know. They live partly within me so they don’t really exist in this dimension, but they are as real to me as Superman is to Superman fans. Or Spiderman to Spiderman fans. Or perhaps Hermione Granger is to raging hormonal teenage Potter fan boys. Whichever works for you. Anyhow, here's a sample of this family's a day and a life.



Mr Oxy Moron: Gee, this room is largely compact, I can hardly walk...

Mrs Redundancy: Dear, you’re already walking.

Mr Oxy Moron: Yes dear, but I’m in a rather cramped space right now.

Grandma Longwinded: You know, you could just lose some of those unnecessary fats you have on your thighs and arms. If I’ve told you once I’ve told you twice, you’ve got to learn to watch your weight! You’re not getting any younger and everything you eat has a consequence. Now don’t come crying to ma when you get Osteoporosis or Diabetes. I’ll just say-

Old Man Repetition: Yeah! Don’t come crying to ma when you get Osteoporosis or Diabetes! And really! Don’t come crying to ma when you get Osteoporosis or Diabetes! Hmph! Don’t come crying to ma when you get Osteoporosis or Diabetes!

Uncle Irony: Dad? Dad? Dad! I think you’re repeating yourself...

Aunty Euphemism: Honey... don’t be mean... he’s not really repeating himself.. he’s merely putting emphasis on important things.

Mrs Redundancy: We can’t cry when we get Osteoporosis or Diabetes?

Mr Oxy Moron: Hold on a sec though, what so bad about Osteoporosis anyway? Isn’t it a natural disease? Why should I care?

Mrs Redundancy: Dear... don’t say that... diseases are still diseases.

Dr Definition: My dear friend, Osteoporosis is a state by which there is serious thinning of the bones and reduction in bone mass due to depletion of calcium and bone protein.

Cousin Contradiction: Anyway Osteoporosis ain’t a disease man, even though it probably is... Meh..

Baby Babble: BB! BB! DD! FAA! WAAAAAAAAAAAHH! WAAAAAHH!

Aunty Euphemism: Aw look how cute! The baby’s making an increased volume of reverberations!

Uncle Irony: Why must you be so wordy about it? The baby’s simply making loud noises using his throat as an attempt to gain attention... Sheesh. Cut down on the vocabulary already.

Grandpa Synonym: Uncle Irony! Why are you so mean to your wife? Spouse? Marital Partner? Go apologise! Say sorry! Now! Immediately!

Aunty Euphemism: Aw it’s alright Grandpa, he’s not mean... simply verbally rough round the edges... right dear?

Uncle Irony: I refuse to answer that question even though I don’t know it’s Rhetoric.

Mr Oxy Moron: Ah Well! At least we’re one big happy family! Let’s not disturb peace shall we?

Dr Definition: Ah good old peace... simply the absence of war or other hostilities...

Grandma Longwinded: You know in my time there was no such thing as peace! Pah! Peace was but a dream sought after centuries of bloody warfare! You youngsters take it for granted nowadays not caring at all for the lives lost and lady liberty was bought with the blood of revolutionists. Don’t you forget your-

Baby Babble: BABABAAAAAA WAAAHH NANANANANA! TREG! DDAAAOOKK! NOOOPE! WAAAAARGGH! WAAAAHHH!

Mrs Redundancy: Look he’s crying and making silly noises again!

Cousin Contradiction: Baby Babble seems to be rather tame today is he not?

Old Man Repetition: Heeheehee! Heeheehee! Baby’s crying! Heeheehee! Baby’s crying! Heeheehee! Baby-

Mr Oxy Moron: Yes Dad! We get it! The big baby’s crying his lungs out...

Grandpa Synonym: Hmph! Is that the proper, suitable, apt way to speak, converse, talk to your elders!? Show more respect and reverence boy!

Grandma Longwinded: Yes! It’s about time you youngsters learn a thing or two about respect! Why when I was your age we were forced to do things and maintain an image among our elders! Children were meant to be seen and not heard! I say we should bring those times back, I really miss the good old days of simple respect based on a hierarchy of age. Count yourself lucky that there isn’t-

Professor Plot: You know what people? Frankly, I’m getting bored of this storyline! Let’s introduce a little mayhem to the lives of this peaceful family. I mean they keep yammering about useless boring things like Osteoporosis and making snide remarks about the baby crying. For goodness sake this scene needs some work... Let’s see... Ah I know!

(Suddenly Sun Wu Kong the Legendary Monkey God appears in their midst!)

Sun Wu Kong: Greetings Mortals! I am Sun Wu Kong the Legendary Monkey God!

Mrs Redundancy: AAAAHHH! It’s Sun Wu Kong the Legendary Monkey God!

Mr Oxy Moron: A Monkey God?

Sun Wu Kong: Yes! I AM A MONKEY GOD! Worship me before I beat your filthy asses into submission with my lovely Golden Cudgel here.

Grandpa Synonym: Cudgel? Nobody uses the word “Cudgel” nowadays! HAHAHA. You mean that stick, staff, pole, truncheon of yours?

Dr Definition: Technically a cudgel is a huge stick or club varying in length that is used as a weapon. So it’s pretty much the same thing Grandpa.

Uncle Irony: Yes he knows Dr Definition! He was just staying in character!

Sun Wu Kong: You puny people are starting to piss me off! Bow now before me or taste my Golden lead!

Aunty Euphemism: Bow? You mean to bend our torso as a sign of respect?

Cousin Contradiction: Of course! Is there any other way of bowing? Oh wait there is I think... Is there?

Grandma Longwinded: NO YOU IDIOT! But I refuse to bow before such a violent hairy being that appears out of nowhere just to make this stupid scene interesting! I refuse to worship a lame deus ex machina! I refuse to listen to anymore of his monkey crap! I suggest all of you get together and-

*Sun Wu Kong uses Golden Cudgel and violently whacks Grandma Longwinded across her back.*

*WHISH WHACK CRRAAACCCKK!!*

*Grandma Longwinded lies dead on the floor.*

Sun Wu Kong: NOW ARE THERE ANYMORE WISE COMMENTS?!?!

Mr Oxy Moron: Bad Heavens No!

Baby Babble: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHHA HEEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

- The State of Nonsense -